Monday, August 29, 2005

A Stroke of Genius

Adversity can actually bring out the genius in a person; I know this from my own experience. Frustration with our job revealed what a mastermind we are, a fact that was well hidden until now. We are into recruitments; our jobs involves finding the right people, and placing them with our clients, sounds very simple, but take my word it is not. And of all the industries we work for IT, an industry with the most unprofessional people. This is my personal view and I am stating it here intentionally to provoke professionals (pun intended) from the IT industry.

These guys are so casual about job change and career moves that 1 person on an average will change 6 jobs in 5 yrs. Incredible I say, absolutely incredible. You call up a guy who has changed his job 4 months back and ask him why is he looking for a change so soon and he will say, I am earning a certain amount now (which is obscenely high) and I think I deserve a 50% raise at this point of time. Ya, sure you deserve a kick on your rear too dude. Like it is not enough to deal with such focused and goal oriented people, we have to deal with idiotic and irrational clients too.

One of Ganju’s clients is so nutty, that she expected a reply to her email on the day we discovered our office was burgled. All these HR people have a modus operandi; they don’t really want to hire people, they just want to torture the consultants. They will give us some requirements and ask us to find some suitable profiles for the same. We work like ants to fulfill their need with a renewed hope in our poor hearts that we will be able to meet our targets. Once we have sent them some profiles they will take a long time to shortlist them, then the interviews will happen and just when we are expecting an offer they will come up with excuses like, we have put the position on hold or the candidate is good, but we will keep him on hold, the best excuse is we have liked the guy, we think he is perfect for our requirement, but we don’t want to hire him why don’t you send us some more profiles, good ones this time. I wish there was a technology to slap people through phone.

Since there is no such technology Ganju and me came up with a substitute, we invented Nano Bum (Hindi for Bombs), known as G&B Nano Bums. In case you are wondering G&B stands for Ganju & Bhagya and not for Golce & Babbana.
So what did we do with these bums, well we planted them in our tormentor’s chaddis. Besides compromising their modesty and colouring their face black, these bums have
transformed them from tormentors to victims. Now the professionals (again pun intended) have stopped applying through us, we just don’t receive any profiles anymore, which means no work, are we happy or what? Our clients are a little thick skinned, they still work with us. One of our clients has even written an apologetic song, please read the same. (unless you want chaddi mein bum) I think it’s a take on a song from the film Masti, anyways never expected much creativity from our clients.


The Song

Interview liya hai, offer tumhein denge
Daga nahi karenge, candidate
Rab ki kasam, Bhagya, Rab ki kasam.

Rukh zindagi ne mod liya kaisa
Hamne socha nahin tha kabhi aisa
Aata nahi yakeen kya se kya ho gaya.
Kis tarha main tormentor se victim ban gaya
Insaaf kar do, mujhe maaf kardo
Itna hi kar do karam
Interview liya hai, offer tumhein denge
Daga nahi karenge, candidate

Arrogance mein ban gaya diwaana
Maine kyun Ganju ko nahin jaana
Chaahat yahi hai ke, is qadar offer doon
CTC mein tere main, do zero aur daal doon
Chain mera le lo, khushi meri le lo
Le lo saare, lelo saare bum
Interview liya hai, offer tumhein denge
Daga nahi karenge, candidate

Mere ashq keh rahe meri kahaani
Inhein samjho na tum sirf paani
Ro ro ke aansuon ke daag dhool jaayenge
Lekien lootein hue modesty ka kya karenge
Offers hum denge, bhool ab na hogi
Karo na tum humpe sitam
Interview liya hai, offer tumhein denge
Daga nahi karenge, candidate
Rab ki kasam, Bhagya, Rab ki kasam.


After the obvious success of our bums, we have decided to market them, in fact a patent is also pending. To market our product we have come with a catchy phrase, “G&B Nano Bum, dur kare sare Gum.”

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Once we were friends

Amma said she had called Dada today. I asked her about what Dada said. It seems Dada happened to mention S……………S’s family wants him to get married, they are looking for a girl for him. This conversation transported me back to my childhood, memories of S……… a tall, shy studious boy, much older than me.

He wouldn’t chat with people but would chat endlessly with me…….. the games of chess and scrabble I remember them all. Funny thing this memory is, why do I remember time spent with S so vividly, while the time spent chasing my friends and being chased by them in return is just a haze.

I remember once S had told me about his plans to make a movie, I was delighted, cause I wanted to do the same when I grew up…………..and here was someone to share my dream with, I told him so and he said he knew, and that afternoon, one of the numerous lazy summer afternoons was spent in discussing the story and finalizing the cast………..  the young and their aspirations.

S do you remember the mischievous but shy girl whom you understood………she remembers you and some of her thoughts are filled with you.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Same Difference

Kissi Mahaan aur lambe aadmi ne kahaan tha English is a funny language. Where I am concerned every language is funny. Some excerpts.

Excerpts 1 – Between me & Priyanka (a girl from lucknow)
Me : Priyanka maine naya pendant liya hai tujhe batana hai, mere saath locker room chal na, jaldi chal mujhe batana hai.
Priyanka (exasperated) : Yaar tune already bata diya hai, abhi tu dikhana chahti hai, tum bambaiwale kaisi hindi bolte ho.

Excerpts 2 – Between Me & Nikhil (a guy from Delhi)
Me : Arey Nikhil tera toh popat ho gaya.
Nikhil : Yeh popat kya hota hai.
Me : yaar poooopat, popat nahi jaanta arey woh parrot
Nikhil : acha matlab tota kehna chahti thi
Me (A sheepish expression on my face)

Excerpts 3 – Me & Manav (Again a guy from Delhi)
Manav : Maine fashion street sey T-shirt kharidi
Me : Kitne mein
Manav : do sau mein
Me : tujhe usne shendi lagaya, fashion street mein toh yeh 1 sau mein milti hain
Manav : Yeh shendi kya hoti hai?
Me : Shendi nahi maloom, shendi matlab balon ki chonti ya poni
Manav : haan toh woh dukandaar mujhe woh kaise laga sakta hai
Me : Forget it.

Excerpt 4 : Me, my sister, waiter in a restaurant in Chandigarh
Me : Waiter aap khane ke saath kaanda nahi dete hain
Waiter : Huh?
My sister : arey idiot, kaanda nahi yaha pyaaz bolte hai, tu Maharashtra mein nahi Punjab mein hain. (She will never leave a chance to insult me)
Me (red faced with embarrassment)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Ganju's Identity Crisis

Ganju has taken an offence at being called Ganju. After all the trouble I took to protect her identity, she doesn't appreciate my efforts.
Henceforth I am going to refer to her as Kheema, as she is known in some circles. Weird name yes, but not weirder than the girl.
Hope she is satisfied now.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Of colleagues and theives

There has been a robbery in our office on the 15th, 6 CPU’s, 3 monitors, 5 keyboards and 1 mouse has been stolen. Everybody is a suspect starting from the watchman to our boss, but I suspect Ganju, simple reason, she needed a mouse for her computer at home. So she devised a plan, actually she must have already had a plan as a similar theft had taken place in the month of February on the first floor and Ganju had narrated the incident like she had witnessed it first hand. So all she had to do this time was change the floor to 2nd floor. Ganju has a psychological problem, on nights when it’s neither a Full Moon or New Moon after eating her dinner she becomes greedy. So though her initial plan must have been to steal only a mouse, since Monday was neither a full moon nor a new moon day and Ganju makes it a point to eat before she embarks on any important task, she got greedy and stole more than she had intended too.
In fact when the crime branch guys came with the Dobberman, she jumped out of the open window and hid on the parapet, she climbed back in only after the dudes and the dog left. The dog kept barking in the direction of the open window but luckily for Ganju was led out of the office before he could go berserk and jump out of the open window too. I am sure she must have felt remorse in the morning, when she came to the office she was looking sad and shocked. I think she wants to return the computers back, especially our server which had all our data. It’s ok Ganju you can make an anonymous call to the office and inform us about the whereabouts of the stolen goods and guess what you can keep the mouse.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Being an Indian

Read a news article this morning about an unfortunate incident in which a young girl was murdered and another one grievously injured. This incident happened at around 6.00pm The story goes that they were attacked by an insane man who earlier the same day around 11.00am had stabbed his father and then fled the crime scene. I can’t help wondering if the gruesome incident with the girls could have been avoided.
On a regular day the police would have sent an alert to all the police stations and this mad guy would have been nabbed in no time. But this did not happen, why ? Because the entire Mumbai Police force was on a Bandobast duty to protect the President of our ruling party, who was in Mumbai city last week. My question is when the Police is busy providing security to the politicians, who protects the common man. Once again we were left to fend for ourselves and help our brethren. Doesn’t the life of a comman man hold any value in India?

Once a charismatic politician had said about the demise of his famous politician mother, “For some days people thought that India was shaking. But there are always tremors when a great tree falls”. Somebody should have brought to his notice then that India wasn’t shaking but a part of her was dying, ironically at her own hands. The tremors have stopped but the hurt remains. Twenty years down the line the attitude remains the same. The people elected to serve the country are the ones that are being served. On the Eve of our 58th Independence Day I can’t help but feel gloomy.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Music Mania

Dim once asked me, why don’t you like music, SIR? Don’t let that confuse you, Im a woman, its just that my friends out of mutual respect address each other as SIR. I was baffled by his question, took me a little time to understand that what he meant is why don’t, I listen to his kind of music. Ya, I know very pretentious of him to think what he listens to is music and anything else could be passed as the grumbling sound made by an upset stomach.
Now would I prefer a different set of people as friends just cause they show off their underwear brand and my friends don’t, however amusing and reflecting it might be. I agree one can learn a lot about a person just by knowing their undie brands, its saves a lot of trouble and time, that would otherwise be spent getting to know somebody. But since I have a lot of time and trouble always follows me like a shadow I don’t mind it. I have made my decision about the kind of people I would hangout with, though I would always make new acquaintances and enjoy time with them too, but they will never become “The Must” for me. Same goes for music, I am used to certain kind of music, I don’t know why, maybe cause I have listened to it from the time I remember or before that.
You must be wondering how Dim gets time to ponder over such silly matter and ask such irrelevant questions. The answer is we work together, I guess it says a lot about the amount of work we do. Dim has unsuccessfully tried to make me appreciate musicians like Oasis and U2, and with Kathy joining us at work, they have joined hands to convert me. It’s not like I wouldn’t listen to them, it’s just that it wouldn’t be my obvious choice. In fact, I would prefer Pink Floyd or Cranberries over Oasis and U2.
Dim’s argument is that U2 makes songs about social issues and their lyrics are terrific, I would beg to differ, a Bono or the likes can never beat Kaifi Azmi, Ravi, Khayyam or any one of their multitude. I should also admit that I do not get a single word of what these Bands sing, (something to do with not knowing English well, I guess) my mind does not register anything beyond the electric guitar being played to its optimum. If they had set their songs to the words of Keats or Wordsworth, maybe I would be singing a different tune.
After this I am sure Kathy will make it his life’s goal to come up with new ways to demean or better than that to kill me, but I will live to tell the tale.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Mommy's Girl

Mamma’s boy……… Papa’s girl, is it true, may be. But like in everything else I make an exception here too, cause I am a Mamma’s girl through and through. Why? Well let me explain.

In the distant past, we had these 2 very good theatres in our neighbourhood, where the tickets cost Rs.3. So me and my siblings, that’s total four of us (Family planning wasn’t in vogue back then) would go to our Dad and ask for Rs.12 so that we could catch the latest Hindi flick. He wouldn’t right away refuse to give us the money, but instead would say, why don’t you guys watch English movies, (Like watching Basic Instinct and The day of The Animals was the happening thing for kids those days) Now replace Daddy with Mummy (why wasn’t she the one making money), she not only would have given us the money for the movie, but for snacks too.
Back to present, I will reach home from office & tell my mom, “Mom a guy joined us in the office today, don’t know which department. The guy is quite dashing though”. And she will go wow, did u talk to him, does he like you, do you think he will marry you, when are you getting him home and I will be like hallo, I don’t even know his name. But you get the point don’t you, I mean she is concerned.
Now replace Mummy with Daddy, I say “Dad a guy joined us in the office today, don’t know which department. The guy is quite dashing though”. And my Dad will be like, could you pass the remote to me.
Need I explain More.

Weekend Getaway

The idea was to spend a weekend in a quiet place away from the traffic, pollution and all the other fixtures of urban life where we could enjoy the rains for a change. In Mumbai the monsoon represents muck, trains running late, potholes merging and resulting in entire stretches of roads resembling an amusement ride that has gone horribly wrong. Who wouldn’t want to get away from such a nightmare, even for a brief period? We considered a list of destinations, but finally settled on Kashid - a lesser known beach.

It is approximately 130km from Mumbai and about 20 kms from Alibaug, which makes for an amazing weekend getaway. Unlike Alibaug, the beach at Kashid is clean, not crowded with other weekend travelers and possesses a rare scenic beauty that leaves you mesmerized. It is definitely one of the best beaches in close proximity in Maharashtra. It is an ideal combination of green and grey mountains, white sandy beaches devoid of pebbles and an unspoilt shoreline.



We started off on a Saturday morning; the Sun God basking in a mild mood and smiling upon us. Once we crossed the city limits, the view was lovely. On the way, we stopped at hotel Karnala for breakfast; their Misal Pav is worth a try. As we progressed sometimes we went through thickly wooded slopes while at times we drove along the shoreline. The winding roads provide glimpses of sea from the clearing between the thick vegetation, bushes and trees. The advantage of driving your own car is, you can stop at leisure and enjoy the breathtaking view and capture the spectacular pictures in a camera.

It took us about 4 hrs to reach the Kashid Beach Resort, which includes the time spent for breakfast. This resort though secluded is very close to the beach. Kashid Beach Resort offers air-conditioned 25 split-level double rooms based on Spanish interior design, each affording a magnificent view of the sea. The rooms have attached baths with running hot/cold water and a private sit-out area. A multicuisine restaurant serving vegetarian and non-vegetarian food including Indian, Chinese, Continental, and regional Konkan cuisines. The food is quite sumptuous. Not far from the resort are the historic landmarks, the Murud-Janjira and the Kurlai fort at Rewdanda, Nawab Palace as well as the Ganapati and Birla Temple.

Once we reached the resort, we dumped our belongings in the rooms and rushed to the beach. Except our group, there was no other soul on the beach and it was a weekend. Unbelievable, isn’t it! Due to the rains the seawater was quite dark, but undoubtedly one of the cleanest and best beaches in the region. The sea is gentle and well-behaved, but prone to small whirlpools at certain locations, and therefore certain areas are best avoided. That should not take away anything from the fun that you can otherwise have on the beach.

Nights in Kashid are what romantic dreams are made of, with a faint silver-blue glow emanating from the stars and the moon and a gentle breeze embracing the gurgling sound of the ocean in the background. It is a perfect setting for those in love or for those keen on becoming cupid’s target.

We had planned to spend away the night talking and playing, but sleep intervened and claimed us nevertheless. After having been in the arms of Morpheus, instead of Cupid, we woke woke up feeling completely rested and energized, a feeling that us city dwellers are not really familiar with. We thought of making the most of the time we had until we checked out of the hotel and headed to the beach. Once again we were the only people around and felt like we owned the beach. On Sunday afternoon we started back for Mumbai, though one doesn’t look forward to the return journey, the drive back is equally appealing and pleasant.

Kashid offers a perfect weekend for those seeking solitude and delight, but don’t want to stray too far away from the hustle and bustle of Mumbai city. Staying over for more than a weekend might be unadvisable, lest we Mumbaites get used to the space & privacy. For those who would want to visit this place make haste, before it turns into an up market resort and loses its exclusive charm. All said and done, one of the best outings so far. ,,,

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Past Tense

Throughout our life we meet a lot of people, some we get on with some we don’t. It’s not possible to keep in touch with everybody you have met. But no matter what’s happening in your life, whether you are in the dump or soaring high, there are some people you always keep in touch with, and these are friends. I am blessed with few but great friends who love me and are always there when I need them. Life had been more or less content I never socialized beyond this group and never felt the need to. But lately I don’t know why, I have started thinking about people I had met along in the journey called life, people I had known in school, college, previous work place and more. The urge to know about them, about where they are, what they must be doing, if they remember me has only been growing.

I decided to do something about it and set out on a mission. Firstly I went through my email address book and renewed contact with people I had not communicated in some time. But these were very few and I could have reached them anytime as I always had their contact details. My quest is to find those who at some point touched my life and then disappeared out of my life. I hope through this blog I will come across somebody who had crossed my path in the past, if I do, it will be worthwhile.

Don’t know why, but I feel my past holds the key to my future.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Plunge

Finally I decided to take the plunge, oh no I aint getting married, I am just going to blog. My Friend Ganju (name changed to protect identity) is a voracious blogger and has been trying to convert me into one since a long time. If for nothing else just to get her off my back I have decided to blog. Now I suppose I got to introduce myself, which is a difficult task, considering I have never been able to talk (in this case write) about myself. I remember once in an interview, I was asked to say something about myself and I just sat there tongue-tied looking blankly at the interviewer. No prizes if you guessed it right, I did not get the job. But don’t let this incident fool you into believing that I am a quiet and shy person (that Im, but only with strangers). I can chatter non-stop, especially about myself with people Im close & comfortable with. Ok, that’s enough about me, lets get back to Ganju. I would like to thank and acknowledge Ganju’s contribution in my endeavour to become a blogger. Without her insistent nagging I wouldn’t have even made an attempt, I am as lazy as they come.