Tiniest, littlest thing and such profound sorrow

I went a little further up the path today. On my way back just before I could cross the only house on the path I saw the tiniest, little boy walking ahead with a school bag. I caught up with him. I put my hand on his head so that he could look at me and I could smile at him. I was greeted by big eyes with tears running down them. I bent and asked him what happened. Controlling his sobs and shaking his head he said, no one drops him to school, he said this a few times and then I understood him. I told him its ok, not to cry, I will walk with him and asked to give me his bag, which he did. He also had a two rupee coin in his hand. I wonder what would be his reaction if I had asked to carry the coin too. After a few steps and some consoling, I pointed back to the house and asked him if he lived there he said yes, and that brought back his pain and again he repeated that nobody drops him to school. He was so tiny, I had to walk at a snail's pace to keep pace with him.

Then he poked a finger in a hole in his T-shirt and said something about his dress and his mother. With his attention focused on the Tee, he continued saying something, so I kept saying yes to acknowledge, only to realise that he kept repeating the same thing. So I bent down and asked him to repeat again. He was asking me if I would also come to pick him up after school. I told him I have to go to work and it won't be possible for me to come when his school ends. He was fine with that. He pointed to the end of the path and asked me if I will go off from there. I said no I will take a right when we reach the crossroad. We could here some barking from the direction I had to take. He said there are many dogs that side and they are saying bow bow. I said what to do but I still have to go that way. When we reached the crossroad I asked him where his school is, it was at the dairy, with very few cows left now, which is a few steps straight ahead on the path. I gave him his bag and said bye. He said a very crisp bye and started walking to the school with his back straight.

When I left him he had his own company for the small distance he still had to walk and he had stopped crying.

Ashes or Gold

There is a fire inside
Why does it have to burn
the self and everything else?
Why can't it be the light
that gives courage to keep walking?
I don't understand
Why does it have to burn?

There is a fire inside
Why should it be angst
to rant through rhyme and song?
Why can't it be love
that warms countless chilled hearts?
I don't understand
Why should it be angst?

Ever felt love welling up inside. So much love that you start feeling compassion for even people who say nasty things to you. I was telling motu the other day that how it is so easy to love a child. One can just shower love on them, adore them and they never find it out of place. They are so matter of fact about it. But the same is not true for adults. No matter what the expectation for reciprocation comes in. And of course, it is not possible to show affection unless the person allows it. And also there is this whole thing about living a lie. It is so difficult to figure out if one is dealing with a real person. People seem to be caught up in role play. Ever known what it feels not to be part of the drama.

It is ironical, what we call fiction is so real whether it is literature or cinema. The real as we know it is made so contrive, the real ends up being a farce. I happened to watch the movie 'P.S. I love you' day before yesterday. Chickflick is it? Anyway today morning the girl from the movie popped into my head. And I thought, this movie is nothing but an example of how by constantly living in fear we make our worst fears come true. Here is a woman living in fear of being left alone by the man in her life. Because she has seen her father leave her mother alone with two children to take care of. She cannot bring herself to have a child and there are several excuses set up as a boundary around her decision. Eventually her worst fear, of losing the man, is manifested and in such a fatalistic way. We are so afraid to live our life fully always afraid of something or the other. The funny thing is always standing at the periphery, never taking the plunge into the river of life, bound by our fears, yet we think we are qualified to tell others what to do with their lives. Let go.

give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another time, I wanna...

Put your guard down and bang they zero in on you. I didn't see it coming, settling in and then playing havoc with my system. i am talking of expectations, other peoples, that are conveniently passed on to you as something that belongs to you. Before i left Mumbai for my brief sojourn abroad every damn person, even the ones that don't bother to be social otherwise there is something in it for them had an advice for me. And the advice was, find yourself a guy there! Now, before some conclusions are made, let me clarify, finding a guy or to say it more appropriately to have a partner is definitely on the agenda. But it can't be 'the plan' not for me. Important things happen in life, they do, it is the mundane that needs planning. And to find a partner is not mundane. So here I was giving myself a hard time since last two days for being myself. For not going out there and finding a guy :). For being a disappointment, to others. And it did not help that it was raining here, it actually only drizzles. But when it does it becomes very cold and there is always breeze flowing (does breeze flow?) making you stay in to be warm. Two days of no sunshine and seeing hot guys (Oh the policemen here. and they dress in black. This is how men in black should look) I think took a toll on me. Actually it all began when I started reading this book which I have to analyse for my socio term paper. The disappointment I felt with the book got channelised to me without me even realising. I was like what's happening. Everything was fine until the last time I was out in sunshine and looking at hot policemen. And fortunately, all those unfulfilled expectations, of others, toppled out. They got washed down by the rain.


To the world,

I love you, yes, but I can love you only when I love myself for who I am and not for who you want me to be. I disappoint you, I make you proud, I fulfill your ambitions or I don't, I fit in or not, well I don't care. This is me and this is what is.

Love
FM

Walter said it

Watched Band Baaja Baraat again today. This time on TV. Enjoyed it just like the first time. Some movies just get the ensemble that goes into making a movie right. It couldn't have revolved around a more loved topic than what else but weddings. Somehow for a long time I have been eluding The Wise One. My elusion wasn't to last for long. Recently I happened to attend a get-together with my ex-colleagues from my first job. Towards the end I was sitting by myself and enjoying the ice-cream when my state of solitary bliss was interrupted by a friends' husband. He asked me if I got married or if am still single. I told him I am (still) single. To which he asked, "No boyfriend" (neither). I told him I am single in every sense. Friends' husband, "Arey get settled yaar. Celebrate karne ka mauka do." I couldn't help laughing and said, "Settled toh already hoon, par celebrate karne ka mauka bhi doongi. Don't worry." At my reassurance I was allowed to go back to the ice-cream induced blissful state. It's funny how being settled is associated with marriage. Why the assumption that if one is not married one is unsettled. I look around and see scores of unsettled married people. What about them? Its like every person is an amorous nomad, who at some point has to be tied down to some person and bingo! the person is settled. I have never been able to buy into this meaning of 'settled'.

I see it the way the character Walter sees it in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'. When finally Annie tells him that she couldn't possibly marry him, he says, "I don't want to be someone that you or anybody else settles for. Marriage is hard enough without such low expectations. Isn't it?" Followed by a very cliched retort by Annie, "Walter, I don't deserve you". Once again Walter gets to rise above the caricatured portrayal of his character in the movie by saying, "No, I wouldn't put it that way." For me Walter ended up being the protagonist in the movie. Yes, the lead characters meet and may be all the talk of destiny and such may come true for them or not, a movie doesn't allow one to know the entire story. One is to make assumptions based on how a movie ends. Whatever the course of stories for a Walter it will always end on a truer note.

Grab your towel we are getting hitched

You got to recognise serendipity when it comes knocking. My friend did and now she is getting hitched. Yesterday she was telling us about her chance meeting with this guy. The sort of weird connection people make, when your antennas start resonating with another pair of antennas and for your life you can't figure out why. Something like that happened with my friend. Before she embarks on the intergalactic trip called marriage, though she has not asked for any advice, I will still say 'DON'T PANIC', Serendipity is here to stay.

You know it's love when...

Your friend who made you pillion ride from Mulund to Malad, Mulund to town and where not, says to you that he took a train today. You ask him why he did not take the bike and he says it would have been uncomfortable for her, the distance was too long. I point to him that he never thought of the discomfort when I had to ride with him. (I had to always argue with him to take a cab or train) He says the roads have become bad. I say yes of course, the roads went bad like two-three days back. They were smooth as halwa all this time. To which he sheepishly says, now you will take my case.


anjaane hi tere naino ne vaade kiye kayi saare hain

Green is love

It is that time of the year that my socks wearing friends hate. It is monsoon and it is raining. Yippieeeeeeeeeeeeee. Looks like it is going to be a good year, we will have lots of rain. I am already in 'I love the world no matter what' mood. Ya the monsoon does that to me. Everything around is so green and fresh. And there is promise of sustainable green in my wallet too. Bye-bye poverty. I just remembered, my umbrella is green too. Before the socks-wearing people go green in ____, I will move on to other pastures. Damn! pastures are green too, aren't they.